As a psychotherapist, I often find with my male clients an increasing curiosity of where they feel their male identity has gone. Indeed what it means to be perceived as ‘a man’ in an ever-evolving world of different values pertaining to sex, gender, and male masculinity. I feel this is often linked to the different roles that men are expected to maintain. Whether as partners, parents, workers, bosses, lovers, and indeed just being a close friend to other men, I'm curious if men ever stop to consider their feelings beneath the surface in any of these roles.

The perception of what a man stands for nowadays can sometimes be skewed by considering a hypothesis of an older more established societal view versus the new. The older view’s values portraying an almost silent, never flinching or complaining man, as the traditional ‘provider’ to his partner and family. This, versus another view of a jointly co-working man, (with partner) co-providing financially, sharing every decision jointly throughout all which life brings over the course of the relationship. Forming the idealistic and complete ‘co-partnership’. I'm sure there is also anything and everything else in-between these two imperfect examples above.

Statistically, there are more unresolved men’s mental health issues than women’s, with men still openly ineffective in sharing their deeper feelings. The men’s suicide figures alone sadly endorse this silent, never flinching version of men, who may be equally never discuss their fears, anxieties, or mental health with others also. Men would clearly benefit from having a safe space to share their feelings with other men and mental health professionals if encouraged.

So, once men have finished a long day at the office, or washed the tar out of their hands from a long night working on a construction project, or changed their quota of nappies and finished the ironing for the day, where do men go when they want to be, well, men?

The environment of the British pub, while under threat, is still active as a place where men may group. Although a place to talk to other men about their own ‘men’s issues’, they may only hint to their feelings by sharing that they are “not feeling great” while meaning a pending divorce which doesn’t get a direct mention. Or, taking a quick glance above their drink to share, “they have a couple of health issues” when in fact they’ve just been diagnosed with prostate cancer but would prefer to keep it to themselves.

As ever with men, many of the deeper issues often remain hidden, self-silenced, and pushed down to fester, much like anger often does. From a psychological perspective I would suggest this as potentially pathogenic. To my fellow man I'd suggest it simply as 'not a good look’.

Ideally, men need to talk to other men about their men issues, and in a non-judgmental confidential and secure environment. Obviously pubs and bars are not conducive to a balanced and deeper conversation by men about men's feelings, or more serious issues that would benefit by being shared by men with men, evoking deeper emotions which believe it or not, men do possess.

I’ve found one of the easiest and most responsive environments for men to meet and talk about their feelings and issues, are through weekly online men's groups. These are useful spaces which are both non-judgmental and confidential - as there’s no requirement to show your face or identity if you don't wish to.

Hosted by a trained experienced therapist, online men's groups allow small groups of men to share how they are feeling about a myriad of subjects. And also to vent on many issues, while held in place safely by the host a trained psychotherapist. Often men join these groups and then stay on an open-ended basis building confidence learning from other men. Each group benefits from discussions that normally stem from group members sharing their circumstances, relationships, feelings, or experiences, while having a safe, non-judgemental confidential space to share their own story should or when they wish to.

Also, men’s groups do not turn away from any difficulties life brings, but instead encourage discussion of it to develop in a safe, secure space which encourages healing by the group, working together to support each other.

Often online men’s groups can bring real change to men’s lives, relationships, and careers. They are truly encouraging environments for men to gather safely and share their concerns without feeling either judged or persecuted by others.

If you are interested in joining a confidential, online Men’s Group to help you, run by a professional psychotherapist, please get in contact today for booking info and my groups availability via link below: